by Charles J. Jackson, S.J.During the spring of 1994 I was surprised to receive from my provincial superior an invitation to “A Moment for the Middle-Aged: A Retreat for Jesuits 45-55 Years of Age.” To say that I was surprised to receive the invitation would be an understatement; I was incensed. I was fifty-one years of age, teaching in one of our high schools, coaching cross-country and track, and could still run ten miles in under an hour. Middle-aged! I wasn’t middle-aged!
I remember the retreat as a wonderful and grace-filled experience. Unlike most retreats that Jesuits make, there was a great deal of talking, as the participants shared with one another their experience of being Jesuits. Among its many graces, the retreat brought each of us to the realization that we were not as young as we used to be and that we were, in fact, getting old. For me, the experience of that retreat was not unlike what I suspect an alcoholic experiences when he or she is finally able to state before everyone that “I’m John Doe…” or “I’m Jane Doe, and I’m an alcoholic.” Well, by the time the retreat ended, I believe that each of the participants could have said something similar: “I’m Charlie Jackson, and I’m getting old.”
Well, more than fifteen years have passed since that retreat, and what was true for me then is even more true today: I’m getting old. I think each of us struggles mightily against our human frailty and eventual diminishment, but these define who we are as persons. Interior freedom is many things, but at its most profound level, it is the ability to thank God for making us exactly the way we are – not simply the way we were in the vigor of our youth, but the way we are today. It is not only putting aside our agenda so as to put ourselves into God’s hands; it is thanking God for the wonder of creating us. It is to this that God invites us when we ponder our frailty and diminishment, “For it was you who formed my inmost parts, who knit me in my mother’s womb. I praise you, Lord, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works” (Ps. 139:13-14).
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